Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
