highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
