I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
