she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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