I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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