he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
