my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
