If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
