my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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