from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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