I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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