if i can run in heels then i can drive
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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