his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
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He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
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I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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