my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I checked into jail on foursquare
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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