Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
