I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
