Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
