I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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