just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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