I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
