She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
