I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I think my moral compass just broke
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
