Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
