and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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