The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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