if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just cropdusted the office
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
