Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
