I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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