I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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