I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
