your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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