I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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