I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
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She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
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He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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