genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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