im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
