there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
