Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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