Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
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