That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
