Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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