I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
