chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
