TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
