hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
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I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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