I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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