Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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