I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
