i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
