i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
