He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
