why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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