She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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