thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
my nose is crying tears of wow.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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